So when I drink extra-strong coffee, the tingle is more like I have a proddish stake shoved up my spine. It is both uncomfortable and enjoyable. That's how you know it's working. Soon, I shall be running around like a headless chicken, a dendrite-ridden axon, and a beautiful and exemplary piece of ass. I love coffee. I love it. I love that tingle in the base of my back - that signal that all is right with this! hectic! little! world! I! lvie! in! Can! You! Feel! It!?!
I bet Gloria Estefan was on a muchos-gracias load of coffee when she wrote "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You." She secretly wanted to write "The Caffeine is Gonne Get You" but her producer-husband said, "No way, Jose, and also - no way, Gloria! If we keep the words 'rhythm' then you'll get the chance to sing with 'Nsync one day!" Gloria kept "rhythm" but she cried herself into a winkless sleep every night when the coffee eventually caused her to crash & burn - Music in our schools? No! COFFEE in our schools! Keeps the teacher not-so-virile and breasts lumpy! Keeps skinny people skinny and smokers stinking like the rotten shards of flesh they already are! Coffee - the Taste of the Miners' Generation! Got Coffee? Got Sandra Bernhard? Coffee - the natural birth control! Let's go get some coffee! Let's swim in lakes and rivers of coffee! LET'S MAKE A GODDAMN DRESS OUT OF COFFEE BEANS, THE ULTIMATE HOMAGE TO FASHIONISTA JUAN VALDEZ!
I wonder if they've been lacing coffee with cocaine for years. I wonder if I should go get another cup. i wonder why my abdomen is aching with the pain of a thousand horses, driving and caressing my intestines with hideous abandon.
And on that note, sweetcheeks and vermin - I'll update with real stories by real people next time...