Onward & upward! Today starts the week of guest entries, and as I have only received 2 guest entries (I am not as popular as I would like to be), we will be summoning the undead by Wednesday - including some Eleanor Roosevelt and perhaps a little Mama Cass here & there...
Shaba Dabba Doo's "Hello Reader"
Hello readers of Connie-Cobb:
This is obi-joe here and I have been formally requisitioned to write a guest entry for this here ol� bloggy-blog. So, here goes. In reference to this week�s/month�s edition of Vice Magazine�s �I Call Bullshit..,� I too have decided to call bullshit on�
1) Dumb people. Why the fuck are they in places like higher learning institutions known as colleges, universities, etc.? Didn�t we have to go through an application process to assess our abilities and skills and experiences? Do people lie on said applications? �Cause come on! These people are the people who sit in the front row of class and ask those obvious questions, those people that garner enough shit under their belt that then becomes your boss. Can you hear me now? Good.
2) Construction workers. Our student union building on campus is having its grand opening today and it�s sooo grand that it got the front page of the fucking ABQ Tribune. Just to let you know some background information on the project: the last time I was in the SUB was when I was a freshman three years ago�I am now a senior! Every time you pass the construction, there they are: people watching, listening to the radio, munching a sandwich, sitting, talking, sitting, getting some shade, sitting, looking at you as you pass, sitting�I think you catch the drift. They have the easiest job ever. They get to wear wife beaters in public spaces, tight jeans that I guess are for mostly show for all of us passer�s-by, and helmets which I guess are mostly for shade and to complete the outfit.
3) Bisexuals. Seriously people. They're just horny. That�s all. I have a workmate that has these uber-confused roommates that sleep with each other, profess love, etc., etc. But then bring guys home that manifest their �screaming� capabilities and set the house afire with trysts and arguments. Don�t these people understand, you can�t compete with dick�or the velvet love-glove for that matter.
4) People that tuck their t-shirts inside their pants. Why the fuck?! What!? You know, we�d see less of the gut if you just let the t-shirt be itself. Do you really want us to experience your jeans, your tight bulging jeans, all the fat bulging, the odd placement of bulges of fat and tucked in shirt, the no-butt and your huge, humongous, bulging wallet? I just wanted to write �bulge.�
5) Guys that say they can do it a whole bunch of times in one night. Oh really? Really? I guess all that time herding and feeding the sheep at the farm really paid off. Enough time given, and you could go again and again. For some reason, I think these guys don�t really come and/or take so much gingko biloba that it�s embarrassing.
6) Girls that say they could do it again and again and again. Wouldn�t you need to be drunk or somehow numbed�because the pain. I could only imagine all the pain. The constant stop-and-go pain. The pain.
7) People who want to wait until marriage. You know all those people on �Paradise Hotel� or �Temptation Island� or similar dating reality scenarios�.see all the laughing, drinking, smiling, self-fulfillment, gregariousness, joking, fighting, crying, the fun? That�s because they�re having the sex. I can�t imagine what life would be like without the sex. I�d fucking kill myself.
8) People who fart at the gym. Do that shit at home. Or at least don�t hog down the fried fries and fried meat and fried beans before you decide to trample down the treadmill in search of physical fitness. Because the people behind you on the ellipticals and stairmasters are trying to fucking breathe. Yeah.
So, in conclusion, I only tend to be this angry when I am hopped on the coffee. But for some reason, the mere thought of caffeine has sent my brain into overload in excitement and caused me to go on and on and on and on�..Sorry Colleen. Sorry readers with high moral standards. No, no really. I call bullshit on you too. Like you don�t touch yourself in the shower or in the morning.
DISCLAIMER: The opinions and words stated abover do not necessarily reflect those of this station or its affiliates. And also, Joe - you are INSANE. What the hell did you take when you wrote this? Why is there so much about sex? Did the coffee react violently with your weak constitution? All I know at this point is that I am soooo glad I take showers BEFORE you.