There was one time, last year, in which a certain Crone ended up crashing on Shaba & I's couch because he was too drunk to drive (or go) home. So he stayed on the couch, we all passed out in our requisite beds, when... in the morning... there was a frantic knock at my door. Most of us know where this story is headed - and it's not pretty.
So Crone is knocking on my door - I wake up, very, very annoyed. He is making words that make no sense to me - as I am hungover and sleepy and probably still a little drunk (not to mention the overwhelming need to pee & eat a greasy cheeseburger, aka the Hangover Delight). Crone starts yelling about how the toilet is stopped up, and he did it with his venomous poop. His poop actually stopped up the entire toilet. His poop. So I yell at him to go buy a plunger (we didn't have one - that's what he was asking for). So at 7 in the morning, on a Saturday - Jamie went to WalMart and bought a plunger. And unstopped the toilet. And made Shaba want to puke all over the place, because he got a first-rate glimpse of the brown trout floating upstream.
Most of us already know this story - but what is often left out because the poop is terribly disturbing (imagine Crone, then imagine the fierceness of the bowels the morning after too many drinks... imagine the hideous smell of rotting waste in our toilet for 1/2 an hour...). But after Crone plunged his way to freedom, he went back to sleep on the couch downstairs. When we all woke up and laughed about the incident (except Shaba, who is not used to nasty boys - Miss Jackson if you're nasty!!!), I was getting ready to take some Morning Relief, when Crone took the package from my hands - and BIT OFF A PIECE IN HIS MOUTH. Who here has ever put Alka-Seltzer, dry, in your mouth? Nobody. Nobody! Everybody knows that the effervescence will take over and ultimately, make one look like a rabid dog. Crone looked like a rabid dog that day, fellow pirates. The sea was angry that day!!! Long story short, Crone started to freak the fuck out, trying to get the foamy foam out. It was as if he'd eaten dishwashing soap. Or Pop Rocks had gone asunder!!! This guy is going to try to live with my sister, for jeeb's sake!
And in other news... I just finished entering a purchase order that is worth more in weight than my soul, and probably in monetary value as well. Ahh the sweet life carries on. (Did anyone else notice that I made a point to say the Alka-Seltzer was dry? Why did I do that? Although - I wouldn't put it past Jam-the-bam to pull it out of a glass and put it in his mouth.)