I'll tell you what, tell you what - there are two phrases that should be retired after my overuse this weekend: "mound of Venus" and "honeypot." After much disgust by Joey Joe Junior Shabadoo, bewilderment from the Big I, and overall approval from Ludie, I WILL NOT retire these words, because they make me crack the hell up! PFFFFF!
Connie Cobb (in sultry, lusty, breathy, sweaty and sweet-smelling tones) : Please, do not cease your sinful expatriations - my mound of Venus - it quakes for you. I will instruct my honeypot to satiate your longing trust. We will be as one - my mound, my pot, and your... wang. MWA AH AHHHHH AHHHHHHH! It's great. We should all read filthy novels. Not sweet & romantic - I'm talking dirty, swingin' books. You learn the best words this way.
This weekend will, however, see the end of two intangible things:
1. I will never, ever go to a party in which the SCA has set up shop. Picture my skankass in a nice little brown dress, brown tall boots, and a wicked $5 gold jacket. Now picture my skankass surrounded by people who have already gotten medieval during the day. It is amusing - I allow you to laugh. They gave me PBR though, and I saw people who were much skankier than me, and with geri-curls to boot. Speaking of geri-curl, don't search for it, I keep finding "geri-curl juice" and before long, that phrase will replace "honeypot" - it's damn catchy. Anyway, no more nerd-o parties, no more SCA invitees, and definitely... no more Ultimate Frisbee parties. ULTIMATE FRISBEE, PEOPLE. Once upon a time, there were frat houses (huh huh - I mistyped "frat" and wrote "fart" the first time), the frat houses had parties. Then there were rugby houses - they had parties. Then there were tennis, soccer, swimming, etc. etc. - and they had parties. AND NOW, THE RETARDED COMMUNITY OF ALBUQUERQUE HAS RESORTED TO ULTIMATE FRISBEE PARTIES. They're all the same faces too - coked up dudes I used to run into my freshman year that still yell too loud when a new keg gets brought out. And man, girls just keep gettin' uglier & uglier. So that's how the Clinique counter stays in business...
2. No more Olive Garden! What am I, 80? Can't try new things? Must go to chain restaurant? Granted, I have only been to the Olive Garden less than 5 times in my life, including a pop-in at the one in Lubbock, TX, but I still am ashamed of myself. NO MORE OLIVE GARDEN. If I want some italian, I'll go to a weird hole-in-the-wall, goddammit! This cuts out ALL CHAIN RESTAURANTS for that matter. And if I need cheesesticks, I'll go to a goddamn bar to get them. YOU HEAR ME! YOU HEAR ME, CHAINS OF THE WORLD! Whataburger is, naturally, excluded. But, honestly, this Olive Garden shit - it's right up boring alley. I cannot be even remotely close to suburbanite status - a "normal" person. I will not wear LL Bean & Keds. I will not own a Lazy Boy. I will not have garden hoses, a mortgage, or jugs of water delivered. I will not drive an SUV (for many reasons actually) - I will not be sensible with my purchases! I will not own a backpack with my initials on it, go to "the lake" for vacations, and treat myself with Milano cookies! I will not EVER own a Celine Dion CD, like Diane Sawyer, and read piss-poor Fabio romance novels because I can't get any! ARE YOU WITH ME?!? NO MORE OLIVE GARDEN! I WILL SPEND OVER $500 ON A PAIR OF SHOES, DANCE ON BAR COUNTERS, DRINK WHISKEY WITH LUNCH! I WON'T HAVE A SAVINGS ACCOUNT, I'LL DRIVE A CAR WITHOUT AN OIL CHANGE, I'LL CURSE AROUND CHILDREN, DO KEG STANDS, BREAK WOODEN PLANKS WITH MY HANDS, MAKE A DOCUMENTARY, WRITE A BOOK, NEVER "PROUDLY DISPLAY" THE AMERICAN FLAG, AND LEARN ALL THE BAD WORDS IN ITALIAN!!! I WILL COOK BAD FRENCH FOOD, GET CAUGHT IN PUBLIC PLACES WITH MY PANTS DOWN, GROW AN ADDICTION TO ROLLERCOASTERS, KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO SNOOP DOGG, GO UP IN BALLOONS, DRIVE ACROSS COUNTRY, JOIN THE COMMUNIST PARTY, RIDE A HARLEY, USE DISASTROUSLY NAUGHTY VOCABULARY, MOVE TO LONDON, AND ROCK THIS MOTHERFUCKIN BIRTHDAY TIL THE GODDAMN COWS COME HOME DRUNK, THROWING UP, AND SINGING LED ZEPPELIN!!!!! NO... MORE... OLIVE... GARDEN!
Whew... I've exhausted myself.