Someone has been FAXING my PHONE in my DUNGEON since YESTERDAY. Someone is faxing my phone! I feel like Elaine when Kramer decided to have menus faxed to her house! Arrrggghh! It's the most annoying thing ever!
As I explained to the Big I today, whose initials spell the most useful word in the English language (is), I look like Alice in Wonderland and Amelia Bedelia had a baby. I thought I was looking a little kitschy, a little bit rock n' roll, but no. No no no - I look like a fool. I pity the fool! I pity the fool! I decided to wear a whit-ish dress with black tights and black maryjanes with white topstitching. Read: I look like the illegitimate child of Alice & Amelia. There's no kitsch here - only absurd childhood. And my nose is running. Wooo!
A recipe for the ages:
Take 1 Beef Taquito made by Delimex (the brand is sehr sehr important)
Add 1 heaping spoogie of French's mustard (oohh! Here's a great timeline on the history of moutarde!)
Dip profusely
Voila! Add at least 5 gin & tonics and this Polish Taquito will delight the senses - and even appease the gloating mind! (Except for mine, for I am no longer privy to such polish taquito brainwashing).
*Russian Cure for the common cold. I had no idea.
*As a patriot (pfff), I cannot help but mention this drink. I blame myself - and my father for making me watch the History Channel at least 18 times a day.
Eliza informed me via the electronic mail - what is this contraption??? - that Joe Millionaire is encoring its overripe hairy ass tonight. I thought long and hard about it (LONG and HARD) and decided that I would succumb to popular pop-culture (redundant) and watch Friends. Like a loser. Like a loser who wants garlic bread and can't do the dishes. I have carpal tunnel, Joey Joe Junior Shabadoo! Carpal tunnel!
There was one time, Eliza and I grabbed my discover card statements (my mom had made me cut up the card and was paying it off, so we needed the number and I had the expiration date memorized - baaaaddddd Connie) and ordered groceries online at Furrs.com. Furrs is no longer, you see, so don't try this at home. But - they were delivered on a Saturday from a guy in a van, and we even got a birthday cake. Who's birthday was it? No one's. We're just a couple of assholes that like cake a little too much when my mom is footing the bill... and when she's not footing the bill, too, I suppose. We also ordered 3 lbs. of zucchini. That zucchini was too much, if you ask me. Ew.
Alas, it's time to go see if I can wrestle up any polish taquitos for lunch - perhaps even.... a sardine & vodka blender drink. Mmmmm. Nothin says lovin like... well, I can't even go there. I hate sardines.