But now! Now! Now I am full of it - and you know what I mean, Jellybean! FULL OF...
* THE RADIO HAS MYSTERIOUSLY RETURNED. This is very, very odd. The radio was "stolen" - word was put out, people were scurrying around, looking honest and grateful, and I didn't point any fingers (I swear!). And now the radio has returned. It's even plugged in! It's like... it never happened! Am I delusional? Was it here the whole time? Was everyone delusional? Have we all had lobotomies (by the way - Colin/Pete, I am finding that Stepford Wives TODAY!!)? Am I crazy? And why do I smell like a thousand flowers have exploded into a product and been shaken all over my nekkid body? Damn, I smell fine!
* I do not understand why Wal-Mart feels that they must hire freakish people and make them "greeters." I guess they feel that people are warmed in their bleeding hearts when they walk in and are greeted by someone who looks like Steve Buscemi in Mr. Deeds. Lazy eyes should not be criteria for the job of greeter! In Hobbs, a sweaty armpit of a town anyway, there was a greeter at the Wal-Mart who was an absolute moron, and I have no sympathy for. He was a World War II vet, and he had a voice higher than Karen Walker on Will & Grace - it was as if Karen Walker had sucked in helium and was a 70-something year old man. Well, my dad worked for Social Security and had spoken to the guy and said that he'd been through mustard gas testing for the army - and this was after initial testing in World War I or something, so they knew that it fucked people up... So the damn old man went through mustard testing. I felt sorry for him - oh that patriot (pff), oh that fighter of the "good war" (PFFFFF), oh that sweet old man, being tested with mustard gas... ahhhhh but wait! He knew of the consequences and STILL! STILL! He volunteered to undergo testing. HE VOLUNTEERED! And now I can hear his goddamn voice resonating in my ears - "Thank you!" And then I hear Eliza's voice resonating in my ears mocking him... oh sweet jebus, I hate that man. I hate him. What a stupid motherfucker, you know? STUPID STUPID STUPID! STUPID!
* "You're so vain... I bet you think this song is about you" - well! Well? Isn't it?
* My favorite actress was on Regis & Kelly this morning. Yes, I admit I watch Regis & Kelly! And I like Kelly! So! So! You gotta problem with that? You wanna start something? Huh? HUH? Anyway, Julianne Moore was on Regis & Kelly this morning. That is all.
* Do any of you diaryland readin' fools keep reading "webmail was wonky - is fixed now" on the members' page? Webmail was wonky! Is fixed now! Wonky! Wonky wonky woo-woo! Zee vebmail, zee vas vonky! Zee ees fixed now!
* Before my computer crashed, I was peeing myself in excitement about my new neighbors. We have new neighbors! We have new neighbors! They have free cable! They have free cable! I wonder if we (me & Joey Joe Junior Shabadoo - that is sooooo not a nickname. It's not a shortened form of anything - but it is from the Simpsons, I'm sure of it) - I wonder if we (blah blah blah) have free cable! I swear to God, if I have free cable, I will drop out of school right now. I will be a law-abiding citizen. I will give money to charity, and maybe, just maybe, even concede that religion is a valid form of human expression. I ain't promising the world here, though, people, I mean, it is just cable. Ha! Just cable! Who am I fooling? I'll be able to watch celebrity gossip nonstop on E! And see the cripplingly insecure fashionistas on the Style network! I can watch MTV and see how much better 16 yr. old abs are compared to mine! I CAN WATCH THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS ABOUT THE COMMUNISTS! I CAN EVEN DECIDE TO NOT WATCH "THE CRITIC" ON COMEDY CENTRAL! Crikey, I hate "The Critic."
* I love TV. I honestly love it (shot out to Olivia Newton-John). Babysitter? TV. Pop-culture barometer? TV. Indispensible informant? TV. Indestructable lifeforce? TV. Able to take over the world? TV. Already taken over the world? TV. Addition to any household? TV. Classless social commentator? TV. Best commercials? TV (radio is worthless!). Cessation of boredom? TV. Mercilessly influential? TV. Incomparable? TV.
* New posters: Things I learned from Rice-a-roni. Things I learned from walking all over people. Things I learned from my last pair of clean underwear. Things I learned from my pet horny toad (shoot the blood out yer eyes! arrr!). Things I learned from the reunion tours of Ratt, Winger, and Whitesnake.
* A new resolution: In 2003, I will not become Vegan. Yay! Yay for me! I will also still imbibe gluten! And wheat! And real sugar! Also, in 2003, I will not drink large amounts of tequila! (the original sentence was: "I will not drink tequila" but I can't make promises like that) In 2003, I will go to my best friend's wedding, and I won't be Julia Roberts chasing after an old flame! In 2003, I will graduate from college with a worthless, worthless degree! In 2003, maybe I will give up and move to a hippie commune so Student Loan Officers (ahh the feds) can't find me! In 2003, I will turn 23! I will test-drive a Jaguar, shoot a gun, and pet a live bear! I will buy new red shoes! I will throw a GOOD party! I will not dye my hair! I will not smoke a cigarette (that one is easy)! I will go somewhere and really hate it, but it will be the best memory of the whole year! I'll be fired from my job (we have to - damn student employment)! I'll ride my 1st rollercoaster, and finally - I will not take the good things for granted. YEEHAW - LET'S GET THIS MOTHER STARTED ALREADY!
(if you don't understand the subject, you do not know Marvin Gaye in the biblical sense)