1. I don't know if anyone is up as late as I am every night, but ABC World News Tonight is on, say... round about 3 or 4am. I don't know what time it starts, but I started at about 4 or 4.15. These people are certifiably nuts, and last night proves it! They're always saying stuff, like "If anyone is even awake out there, and maybe you are too drunk to even know what you're watching... etc" but last night takes the cake. It is taken, and beaten, and whipped into Ludie's ferocious Egg Nog of Christmas Past- so maybe I am too drunk to even know that I'm watching... drunk on the power of ABC World News Tonight (or just drunk on the memory of the nastiest egg nog ever ever ever - that girl failed as Martha Stewart making egg nog that night, but she didn't fail in putting on Peg Bundy wigs & doing pilates in front of strangers). Last night was the end of the National Temperature Index (I think that's what it is called) - which is something I can't explain, because I don't understand it in the slightest. It's like, "the NTI is 739 degrees Fahrenheit, and 224 Celsius" (I said this as if I were Dan Rather, by the way). What does this mean? Why is it so high? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????? But, last night, they ended it - and in my opinion (and not because I watched it again yesterday), it was ended very much in the same manner of Willy Wonka (not you, big i - the movie). There were broadcasters with their fake-o broadcast saying, "Perhaps you're just an insomniac who needs to know the NTI.... here's a brief history" and they made a satire out of the NTI and its tearful demise. There were people saying, "I would be up real late at night, and then I would see the NTI, and feel allright, and be able to go to bed" or "And I said - 'No! The NTI is gonna be 842 tonight! And then, I won the bet.'" I was quite perplexed - yes, I understood that it was a ha-ha hoo-hoo joke, and yes... I understood that these people must lose their minds anyway because it is so late and no one watches them except the insomniacs or truck drivers... but I do not understand the NTI. What the hell is the NTI - and what does it all mean? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
It's also amusing how the whole show says whatever they want, and they crack each other up because... no one is watching! Weee!
2. Onward and upward! I would like to give a shot out to Eliza and say... "I love you etc." And also, I would like to buy you a puppy, but thank god you can't have one in your apartment - because I would end up keeping it & my father would personally wring my neck & your's (just for being the inspiration for the puppy).
3. It's another dent-head of a day! I get not-so-random dents in my naturally 20's sick-o wavy hair, and today is no exception. I came flying into work, passing Joey Joe Junior Shabadoo, who left 10 minutes before me... so I looked absolutely winded and ...ALIVE! when I went into the bathroom to fix my akimbo hat & hair... and then I saw the dent. It looks like I got a crimper for Christmas, tried it out and it broke in my hands. So me looking ...ALIVE! and winded ended up in me looking like a homeless person with the red-eye from 5 in the morning sleep (ohhh and it was a loathsome sleep, it was, it was), the mismatched clothing (I decided to wear a big black wooly turtleneck with a polyester burgundy shell underneath is so the shell pokes out at the bottom, brown bell-bottoms, and bronze shoes. I knew it was wrong, I knew it was. But I just can't bring myself to care after the 3 1/2 hrs. of sleep, I just can't. And that's a lie too, because I ALWAYS care. It's a blessing and a curse.), and the dent. I look like a moron... or an art student. And I am both, so why deny it any longer.
4. If one more person puts something in this office, I will personally shit in a bag, put it in THEIR office, light it on fire... and then proceed to toilet paper the place, let loose pigeons and rats (in the office, naturally), and let them bite off their ears as they scream mercilessly into that good night. Do not go gentle into that good night! Anyway, this is inspired by not only the fact that someone decided to take my regular phone and replace it with a fax machine that can't fax... and the stolen radio... and the latest addition - 2 Mount Vernon Sketch books. They have holograms of Mount Vernon on them. Why are they in here? And why does that one guy in receiving not say anything, and tiptoe around leaving shit with no explanation. ARGH! There is... no ... ROOM... AT THIS.... INN GODDAMMIT!
5. Self-portraits will be made readily accessible to those seeing it fit to have my face on their desktops. Please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and $18,000 for a chicken-scratch drawing of me looking like I'm 9ft. tall. I will, of course, then draw you, in a worshipping mob, surrounding me, but you will be 3ft. tall. Hierarchy here, people! Hierarchy!
6. I am sick of this bloody nose feeling without the bloody nose. I want answers! Slipknot? I want answers!
7. Yes, yes, big i - and I know you are sleepy dwarf as well - but do your eyes burn burn burn as if acid were dropped in them one by one at the hand of the night-leprechauns? The ones that mess up your hair when you sleep (who gives a crap if my hair is messed up really - what with the dent and all. Oh! Oh! What if the leprechauns give me the dent?)! Anyway... yes, yes, big i - splendid 6 mos. and I expect 6 more, jim dear. But please... please! no more boat rides through that tunnel of hell before the "candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker" room... and is there any gravy in the house tonight? I said... is there ANY GRAVY in the HOUSE tonight!?!! Oh monkee. You's a good egg.
*Fin*