1. Why do people come to a college bookstore looking for flashlight replacement bulbs? Why are these people always old men?
2. My sister said that the dog's ear smelled like bad steak - it's quite infected right now, you see... so Laura-lie Cherry-pie decided that at dinner last night, she would discuss the dog's creamy-spew ear, as we ate potroast. There were all sorts of crusties flying out of that dog's ear! What is wrong with the dog! Why am I talking about it? I'm making myself sick! Anyway, my mom made this noise she always makes when she wants to ridicule valley girls - "ewwwww" and then my dad had to leave the table. I was ok - being well-versed in gross-outs, but later, when the ice cream I'd eaten had curdled in mon etomach... well, we still ain't sure about what the hell happened. (Why do you they call it a taint? Cos a taint your ass and it taint your... jebus mary - I just don't know when to stop. I thought I told ya now we won't stop! I thought I told ya now we won't stop!)
3. I thought for sure some girl was wearing a Girl Scout troop leader uniform a minute ago, but she sure wasn't, and she wasn't eccentric in the least. I think I'm too brilliant to be here.
4. I want meat. And I want it in the form of salty salt goodness, one that requires a glass of water with each & every bite because it sucks all your cells dry with its crazy sodium chloride properties! One that says, "I was a cow and now I am salty and stretched and unrecognizable!" One that determines your fate - the kind that gives you the heebie-jeebies it's so salty and tasty - one that makes you reckon you ain't ne'er had none beef like this before! ONE THAT MAKES YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK JUST FOR BEING SO SINFULLY FULL OF SIN AND THE WHOSAWHATSIT FULL OF BEEFY GOODY SALTY MMMMMMMMM!
I may have lost it back there, but it's not the first time. Not the last time, neither. (Please keep in mind that this entire entry is said in my best hick accent - including the replacement bulbs but excluding the stink-o dog ear.)