You know what else was odd about the Golden Girls (besides Eliza and I's constant watching of it)? They always had cheesecake. There was no rum - no bourbon - no... howdoyousay.... sex! That's a lie - Blanche was bumpin uglies with every tycoon and raccoon in the greater Miami area. Anyway, they always made room for cheesecake. Maybe it was Jello cheesecake, thus killing two birds with one stone - there's always room for Jello, there's always room for cheesecake (of course, Blanche would say there's always room for one more... or maybe something like, there's always room in my cave, sweetcheeks, and then kiss the air and make out with herself). I'm surprised these ninnies didn't notice their spreading thighs sooner, if one asks one (and I mean that when they sit down! Not in a reference to Blanche! Ok! Maybe in a reference to Blanche! They all were ... uh... active, if we can put it like that!).
After 2 episodes - back to back - of the Golden Girls, then came on Ellen, which I used to watch the syndicates with my dad. She was a funny lassie, she was. And then she came out & the show was only about her coming out & I never liked Joely Fisher. Something about her upper lip - and Spence (Jeremy Piven) and then that guy that worked at the coffee/bookstore that was ruined in the earthquake... and Audrey. Audrey was psycho, but she could pull off a mean pink.
Other shows worth mentioning - The Wonder Years.
Onto better things - rather than lamenting how right Rose is about the womens and the thighs. I was not killed the other night by the strange clank-o man outside - obviously so, or rather someone is doing an awfully good job impersonating me - as if they'd been planning this scheme for years and years - watching my constant moves... and that being from Hobbs to Albuquerque, waiting and watching me watching the Golden Girls (god, how could they been so quiet? What with the incessant plot-twisting and canoodling between old woman to older man - and Big Daddy! How could they have been silent all those years???)
New Year's! New Year's! Here are some recounts of 2002, and definitely worth remembering, and now that I've thrown my tangible diary away (the whiskey night... oh! the whiskey!) - we must document in order to not forget!
* old Ludie & I went through a ferocious redbull & vodka stage - and it culminated in one night in which the Southern Belle tried to comfort herself southern-ly, and started puking and turning gray in the bathroom at a houseparty. Ludie tried to pick up the Southern Belle, and fell backwards into the tub and clonked her head. The Southern Belle remained unconscious as Ludie & I bustled around trying to make sure Ludie wasn't bleeding and we hadn't been slipped some serious crack, in our redbull vodka adrenaline rush of course, and then we decided we were strong enough to cart around the SB's deadweight... WHICH led us to both carry her outside - kicking people in the head with SB's feet on the way out the door... we dropped SB a couple times which ended in this rich real estate kid giving us a ride home, and SB crying - and then the next morning, SB and I walking to get my car, and going to Mannie's for nasty nasty hangover food. While at Mannie's, we saw a man with an upside cross tattooed on his forehead. Ohhhh those were the days!
* Who can forget the many, many times in 2002 that I actually pushed over or knocked people down with the doors to the art building - if you'd only seen their faces as they started to go down! They always looked like you were doing them a real disservice, by plowing into them with a 200lb. door, and then it was kind of - embarrassment, and then shock from the impact. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear.
* Speaking of falling and 2002, there was an incident in which I slipped down the stairs in front of the big i. We'll not discuss that. We will, however, discuss the big i's introduction of gravy. GRAVY GRAVY GRAVY AND THOSE FRIES. AND SWEET MOSES, IF I COULD HAVE THAT RIGHT NOW, I WOULD BE A SWASHBUCKLIN' PIG IN TROUGH HEAVEN. Another thing - I had Lotaburger for the first time this year. I also probably ruined my liver, and then recovered it by eating Lotaburger. I wonder if Joey Joe Junior Shabadoo remembers that. Of course he does, that food tasted sweeter than an apron-clad mama on a bacon farm.
Well, that's that for 2002. I could really start to remember some wacky shite Ludie and I pulled off - including the things we tried to pull off but failed. And if we recount all the tales of yore in which I yelled at people, well then - burn too many bridges and you won't have any more bridges to burn.
On! That! Note! Please! Remember! To! Notice! Your! Thighs! Spreading! Out! On! The! John!
Also - Eliza, why did we both have the same vision of Homer Simpson eating a baby when we'd say "Please don't eat the ba-by!" That baby looked like chocolate in my head. Mmmm. I want carne adovada.