1. First of all, wake up. You will most likely be waking up on someone's couch, if you haven't been entirely out of control. If you were slutty and irresponsible, you're waking up in someone's bed. If you were slutty, irresponsible, and got a little lucky, you're waking up half-clothed. If you were slutty, irresponsible, and bought the farm, you're waking up with nothing on but a sheet and a sock. And the sock is extended far past your toes, like in those illustrations of Santa Claus.
2. Get your bearings/clothes/dignity and git the hell on. You need damage control, and you need it now.
3a. Go to the nearest coffee chain/Starbucks/Au Bon Pain/deli and guzzle some sort of caffeinated, warm beverage. The night will start seeping back in and you need your armor up - and alert while doing so.
3b. Drink, drink, drink in the coffee. **Sometimes this backfires, so be sure you have (a) good colon control or (b) you're very close to your house or a bathroom you don't mind spending some time in. Seasoned drinkers no longer suffer from this malady. We get to drink our coffee in public and saunter home nonchalantly.
4. Get home, at some point. Don't try to drag your still-in-last-night's-clothes, booze-stankass around, shopping, indulging in the treats of the city. To do so only prolongs the feeling of ickiness.
5. Ok - now into the actual things to do. First off, once you arrive home, change your clothes. If you're feeling particularly ambitious, hop in the shower. Although we all know you are not hopping in the shower. Nobody does. The 3-day long hangover either involves hiding from the world or complete laziness. So change your clothes, pull the hair back (or if you have short hair, maybe run a comb through it). I recommend washing your hands. However, if you're coming home from doing it, alot, with a stranger, you should have washed your hands first thing when you woke up. I highly recommend not succumbing to laziness if you've been sleepin' around.
6. Maybe straighten up parts of your room - clear off your bed. You're going to get right back in it, so might as well make it less of a hassle or obstacle.
7. Plug in cell phone, camera, and iPod so that they can charge.
8. Turn on TV. Oh it's that stupid mob movie they think is suitable for UPN. It's ok - it's either that, Nascar, or golf. You're not going to last long, so watch the damn movie.
9. You're going to be asleep soon, so take out your contacts. However, laziness usually prohibits this action. You'll be pissed when you wake up and your contacts are stuck to your eyeball, but what the hell. Sometimes you can't muster up the energy to take them out.
10. So warm and cozy, and your body hurts -- go to sleep. You'll be out for at least 5 or 6 hours, and this is just what Dr. Gonzo ordered.
11. When you wake up, you're going to go through the various symptoms of bad-night-shudders. It's ok, it's perfectly natural. First of all, figure out if you actually did hit on/make out with/sleep with that person. Or, try to remember what you said to so-and-so or perhaps if you left voicemails that were full of robotic noises. If it's absurd, you most likely did it. Make peace with it and move on. (Obviously, if you woke up nekkid next to someone and you don't remember if you had sex or not, you probably did. However, if Jack and Will didn't on that yacht cruise - there's a chance you didn't too). Now, after almost 24 hours of not doing so, brush your teeth.
12. Forget this day - you've blown it. Nothing good is going to be completed - not the laundry, not the grocery shopping. Here's hoping you've stocked up on goodies -- otherwise, your hangover is going to hurt a lot worse sans cookies, Coke, and croissants. Ouch.