No more Olive Garden! What am I, 80? Can't try new things? Must go to chain restaurant? Granted, I have only been to the Olive Garden less than 5 times in my life, including a pop-in at the one in Lubbock, TX, but I still am ashamed of myself. NO MORE OLIVE GARDEN. If I want some italian, I'll go to a weird hole-in-the-wall, goddammit! This cuts out ALL CHAIN RESTAURANTS for that matter. And if I need cheesesticks, I'll go to a goddamn bar to get them. YOU HEAR ME! YOU HEAR ME, CHAINS OF THE WORLD! Whataburger is, naturally, excluded. But, honestly, this Olive Garden shit - it's right up boring alley. I cannot be even remotely close to suburbanite status - a "normal" person. I will not wear LL Bean & Keds. I will not own a Lazy Boy. I will not have garden hoses, a mortgage, or jugs of water delivered. I will not drive an SUV (for many reasons actually) - I will not be sensible with my purchases! I will not own a backpack with my initials on it, go to "the lake" for vacations, and treat myself with Milano cookies! I will not EVER own a Celine Dion CD, like Diane Sawyer, and read piss-poor Fabio romance novels because I can't get any! ARE YOU WITH ME?!? NO MORE OLIVE GARDEN! I WILL SPEND OVER $500 ON A PAIR OF SHOES, DANCE ON BAR COUNTERS, DRINK WHISKEY WITH LUNCH! I WON'T HAVE A SAVINGS ACCOUNT, I'LL DRIVE A CAR WITHOUT AN OIL CHANGE, I'LL CURSE AROUND CHILDREN, DO KEG STANDS, BREAK WOODEN PLANKS WITH MY HANDS, MAKE A DOCUMENTARY, WRITE A BOOK, NEVER "PROUDLY DISPLAY" THE AMERICAN FLAG, AND LEARN ALL THE BAD WORDS IN ITALIAN!!! I WILL COOK BAD FRENCH FOOD, GET CAUGHT IN PUBLIC PLACES WITH MY PANTS DOWN, GROW AN ADDICTION TO ROLLERCOASTERS, KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO SNOOP DOGG, GO UP IN BALLOONS, DRIVE ACROSS COUNTRY, JOIN THE COMMUNIST PARTY, RIDE A HARLEY, USE DISASTROUSLY NAUGHTY VOCABULARY, MOVE TO LONDON, AND ROCK THIS MOTHERFUCKIN BIRTHDAY TIL THE GODDAMN COWS COME HOME DRUNK, THROWING UP, AND SINGING LED ZEPPELIN!!!!! NO... MORE... OLIVE... GARDEN!
** Who was that girl? I need more a' that and less a' me...