La voila la jolie vigne!

Ok, so I am sitting in the downstairs living room when I hear some whistling that cannot (and should not) be repeated in sane company. It sounded like whistling - but more like a five year old screaming a tune at the top of her lungs. It was at this point of my confusion that I instantly jumped to freak-out mode and decided that yes - there is a whistling serial killer who whistles like a five year old and bashes in your door with an ax and kills you, all the while whistling. He's called the Whistler, which he enjoys because he likes the similarities that brings up between him and the artist he shares the name with. He, too, is an artist - an artist of the flesh - waaahhhhhh!

The best things in life are NOT free, people. I've recently discovered the very truth of the "I need money (that's what I want) That's what I want!" I've also discovered that GODDAMN GILBER O'SULLIVAN'S SONG HAS JUST POPPED BACK INTO MY HEAD. And I thought I'd outed that damn spot! Other truths in life are:

1. Sore throats will always be worse in the morning.

2. You & Coffee have gotten so hot & heavy, you don't know how to be yourself without it. If your roommate is calling it "Instant Personality" and it ain't liquor, well you hardly know her. That's ok, though, because tonight will be fabulous! FABULOUS! what with the cramming and writing papers and the subsequent CRAMMING.

3. Beauty is truth. Truth is beauty. Who wrote this? Was it Dickinson? Because, let's face it, I died for beauty but was scarce. I heard a fly buzz when I died. OUT OF ALL THE THINGS IN MY LIFE, WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER IMPORTANT THINGS - SUCH AS ART HISTORY SLIDES?

4. Nutrition for Women Oatmeal is a tasty oatmeal. It is not, however, cool. It is also not cool to buy things that say "for women." Other "for women" products:

* Correctol

* and that's all I can think of right now. (worthless poetry!)

5. I'd forgotten what the hell I was making a list of & had to scroll up a bit to realize I'm writing about the truths in life.

6. I am an excellent gift-giver. Unfortunately, and this is directed at you, big i - I will not be an excellent gift-giver if I am one-upped. Thus, if you did win the lottery, I cannot accept a pony. I would really really like a pony, and when I say pony I mean thoroughbred (skittish and highstrung! skittish and highstrung!). Wait wait wait, after my "skittish and highstrung" I've realized that I'd probably be better off with a Quarter Horse. Or maybe a Morgan. I always did like them Morgans. Or an Arabian. Getting off the subject here.... Um.... So, I cannot accept a pony/Thoroughbred/Quarter Horse/Morgan/Arabian. I can, however, accept a box full of free puppies. And since you are so worried about giving the gift that doesn't die for 20 years, I will name them all variations of your name, big i, so that when this train goes horrifically off-track, I can sacrifice a puppy in your name everyday thereafter. Ha!

7. Since we're sticking to the truth here, I would like to point out that #6 is a lie. I could never hurt a puppy & damn, I's a wants a horse.

8. Sore throats will cease to hurt so much approximately half an hour into being awake.

2002-12-12 | 11:10 a.m.

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