A Dodgeball Rant
I watched "Dodgeball" tonight with my newly-reconciled Schmeeds. It was... well, let me be honest. It was a harrowing exhibition into the world of dodgeball as we do not know it - a world full of shiny track suits and buttless chaps. My friends - it was nothing like the dodgeball HELL that insued during the years of 1992-1993 and 1994-1995.
Topping out at around 77 lbs., I was first introduced to dodgeball my 7th grade year (also known as "the worst year of my life"). I wore glasses and had a perm, people. I WEIGHED (see above) 77 POUNDS. I thought I had been smacked in the face enough, whipping my pink plastic frames across the gym, until I hit 9th grade.
In 9th grade, I weighed suitably more - I think I was around 100 lbs. at that point. I'd gotten rid of the glasses and wore contacts, and YOU KNOW WHAT? I was still the biggest friggin' loser at dodgeball. And, well, you know, baseball, soccer, kickball, wiffle-ball (don't ask), basketball, volleyball, PING PONG AND BADMINTON. You name it, I sucked ass at it. I sooooo wanted to be the kid with asthma that got to sit out stuff. One time I let someone go in front of me in kickball and I had to do 100 situps, 100 pushups, and run a mile as punishment.
Ahhh if only I knew then what I know now - you don't take THAT SHIT from anyone.
And Melinda Bateman* can rot in hell.
* Names have not been changed to protect the ridiculously idiotic gym teacher. Home-schooling trumps public again!
2005-01-22 | 3:43 a.m.
