Seems fitting for today
I would like to believe that my time here is an empowering testament to the human spirit, that I have a fire inside my chest that fuels this purposeful walk, but I think I only moved to New York City because I made a ginormous stink about it, told people of my dream and had to pay up when the taxman cometh. I am still searching, wondering if I have done the right thing, still questioning each and every day. I fear that I've ruined the best, most meaningful relationship I have ever had by moving away - by giving up all control of it and irrevocably changing it forever. I fear that my parents will age and grow so far away that we will never have the closeness we've had over the past year, that they will get sick, that they will die with my absence curiously evident. I fear that my sister and I will not be friends, that we will be strangers, telling tales to each other at reunions, not realizing that we've experienced the same things and reacted the same because of the genes we share. And then Eliza says that most wonderful thing; "And if you go back to Santa Fe and decide you don't want to go back to New York City, no one will think any less of you."
Just me. It will just be me - thinking a lot less of myself. And with critics like that, you can't back down. You have to dig deep down into your stomach and pull out any and everything left. Every day will be a test, every day will improve. You will meet new people; fantastic, complex people, each with their own agenda and rules. You will have to play their games, you will have to be wrong, be right, be sorry, be sad, be happy, be giddy. You cannot give up. This is the only time to prove yourself, but it's awfully nice to know a soft landing is beneath you.
2004-12-29 | 3:03 p.m.
