Speaking of nasty shit to eat, I read just yesterday in this month's Elle magazine about the new detox fad that is all the rage for soccer moms to stoners. So - people go & don't eat wheat or dairy for 6 weeks & eat only organic vegetables with (sometimes) protein or starch (but never at the same time). Some of the detox camps make you drink salt water for 3 days, and then people puke and shit all over the joint. Why am I sharing this, you ask? Why am I overusing the word "shit"? Well - I was intrigued because some dude said that he went to the salt water one & after you poop all yer innards out in a bucket, you have to go through the runs & see what you find. (Nasty nasty nasty NASTY - hence puking, right?) Anyway, he said that a woman found a barbie doll shoe from when she was wee.
A BARBIE DOLL SHOE.
Oh my God, what the hell might be stuck inside me. As far as I know, I've gotten rid of the weird things I've swallowed - pennies, that one time we ate shark... I'm sure a ton of fingernails (please save your moans for the end of the entry, thank you). Yes, I'm sure I do not have various plastic parts in my body - I had salmonella for a week a couple years ago, and that must have cleared the way for new accoutrements to gather. I don't understand how that woman's barbie doll shoe didn't pass through already, though. Maybe the heel wedged itself on the side of Intestine Road, Ste. C. Hm.
Onward and upward, I say! I won't detox myself. I've never even used a laxative. Nor have I gone to a funeral. Nor have I seen Nevada. Nor have I ever been to a "Sam's Club." Thank God, I haven't gotten a tattoo, because I'd regret it now. Nor have I pierced anything south of the border. I hate cottage cheese (Cottage! Pff! That old world charm of a name won't sway me!). I also hate gauze on teeth and touching styrofoam.
Whoops! Time for me to go back to the office, m'chaps. Drink a scotch for me, and remember all those good times we had together - like cavities & enamel, mayne. Like cavities & enamel.