She knows exactly what she's worth to me!

The 27th of December is the most nonexistant day in the universe. No one looks forward to the 27th, not even babies being born on this day. It's right smack dab in the middle of a rock & a hard place - Christmas and New Year's. As Christmas has succeeded in nothing, I do have my doubts for New Year's. I do, I do. Besides the fact that the ol' New Year's Eve kiss has NEVER happened to little ol' me - and Madame Muffin, you know that basketball player downtown off the plaza doesn't count - no one kissed him, though he sure was sweet on you! Weee! And also, I would like to discount that one year at Liz's when I kissed everyone in the goddamn room - including an infamous highschoolio - and we must discount last year, when I kissed everyone in the room, because in my head, I was wearing all white & I don't think that really happened. I think I'm confusing my Cocaine Halloween costume with New Year's... anyway - had a boyfriend for the last 3 New Year's and never been kissed at the midnight. And now I have the big i, and I bet anything - snails, ham & cheese logs... anything! - that something will happen. Maybe this year I will be in a coma. Maybe next year I will be in a coma. Something. I'm waiting. Crikey - it sounds like I'm writing piss-poor emo right about now.

So, off of New Year's, I must regale tales of yore - simply because I received an email from Madame Muffin, and I must say:

1. She did not search for her next sk8r boi - I just wanted to reference something real, real nerdy. If you don't get it, please shake hands with the person next to you for not making fun of pop culture as much as I would like to.

2. There was this one time, I was in Madame Muffin's bathroom and I saw Grannie Popov's boob. And Muffin freaked out to the max, and I think I was stunned into submission - and then I think I laughed so hard about it, I might have made myself incontinent.

3. When I said I wanted the big pink coat, it wasn't vintage Christian Dior. I want Mer's pink Mizrahi coat.

Alas, boys and girls, now it is time to make a list of things I have yet to do this year, and we's a-runnin outta time:

1. Must watch all Bond movies, from start to finish - ending in a romp to the theater to watch the Halle Berry one.

2. Must make bad Bond jokes on New Year's Eve.

3. Must watch Back to the Future 3pk.

4. Must NOT make bad McFly jokes. They must all be good.

5. Must - uh... what was my resolution? Oh! That's right! Something along the lines of disinterest and underreaction. Well, I think I might have upheld that at times when it really counted - like the announcement of someone's marriage (not you, Eliza... maybe that Wharff girl). And if you can't do it when it really counts, when can you do it. Otherwise, I overreacted to plenty and was too interested in talking shit to people at parties. (New resolution: Be disinterested at parties)

6. Ahhh goddammit. I was supposed to shoot a gun, like 2 years ago - maybe it was 4? as a resolution, and that never panned out.

7. Eat a greasy Pulp Fiction-esque burger. RIGHT NOW. Jebus, I am hungry. And speaking of cheeseburgers, the next execution in Texas is set for the 13th of January! Who's down with Death Row? Who is? Das right!

If anyone is wondering, though - "The Surreal Life" and "Joe Millionaire" premiere soon - in the coming month - and I might as well spit up on myself and perhaps even change this leaky diaper, because I am so excited (!!!), I might drop breakable items and run into walls!!!

(Webster is on "The Surreal Life"!!!!!! Webster!!!!!! Corey Feldman!!!!! VINCE NEIL!!!!!! Andrea Zuckerman!!!!! I! Am! Losing! Blood! Flow! To! The! Head!)

2002-12-27 | 11:07 a.m.

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